Inspired by Design with Sarah St Pierre

91. Emotional Regulation, Attachment Styles & Nervous System Healing with Emily Cassista

• Sarah St Pierre • Season 2 • Episode 91

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In today's episode, I am joined by Emily Cassista. She shares her path from 16 years as a biology teacher to breakup and relationship coaching to writing children’s books focused on emotional regulation. In this conversation, we talk about why so many of us aren’t taught the emotional tools we need early in life, how attachment styles shape the way we relate to others, and practical ways to communicate with more clarity and compassion. Emily also shares her approach to helping both kids and adults better understand their emotions, the role movement plays in regulation, and the inspiration behind her children’s book series.

What we chat about:

  • Why emotional regulation and self-understanding should start in childhood
  • How attachment styles and codependency patterns shape relationships
  • The connection between emotions, the body, and nervous system regulation
  • Emily’s three-step approach to identifying and processing emotions
  • Reflective listening and how to communicate with less reactivity

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SPEAKER_00

Hello, and welcome back to another episode of Inspired by Design. Today I am joined by Emily Casista. Emily is an educator, facilitator, author, and relationship coach. Her work supports emotional growth, communication, and self-awareness in both children and adults. Through stories and simple tools, she helps people in growing up people respond to life with clarity, agency, and compassion. And I absolutely loved today's episode. We talk a lot about aligning your life and relationships with your soul's inner spark. And we also talk a lot about emotional intelligence and tools and regulation resources that you can utilize to better understand your emotions for children and for adults because truly adults are just grown-up children. And so we all have the same things that we need help with. And we also talk a lot about attachment styles here. And this was not something that I anticipated talking about today when I was prepping the episode, but it was a really great conversation and I think super helpful to anyone who maybe is familiar with attachment styles and wants to dive deeper, or maybe has never heard of attachment styles before and is about to feel understood on a whole new level. And so this episode was super enlightening and just really grounding. And I felt like Emily provided a lot of tools and tips for better regulating your emotions and, you know, really feeling your emotions, which is something that is very, very important. So I'm super excited for you to listen to the episode and experience more of Emily. Welcome to the podcast. Thank you so much for having me, Sarah. Yes. So first, I'd love if you could just introduce yourself, talk about what you do. And I know I know that you've changed careers a few times. So I'd love if you could kind of walk us through uh the differences there and like the pivots.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, my name is Emily Casista, and my current projects uh we're writing a children's books series around kind of how to identify and regulate emotions and themes around worries and confidence. And this all kind of came around because of my background in my career. So I started off as a high school biology teacher for 16 years, and I absolutely love, love, loved the content of biology because I just am so fascinated by how living things work and are interconnected. But I always like I always wished and wondered why there really wasn't more guidance towards young people around self-discovery, relationship dynamics, how you know, how to have the tools and skills to just kind of navigate your inner world. And um I ended up leaving teaching at the end of 2021 to start a business as a breakup and relationship coach. And um, that work is found under the name I was using, Emmy Fortin. And through that, I kind of realized, wow, everything that adults are grappling with really all started in our childhood. And so that's what kind of brought me back to the kids again. Um, is you know, how can we just at every single age know we know ourselves better and understand so that we can know and understand others better and you know, ultimately have better, happier relationships with ourselves and other people.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, I love that. Yeah, it's so true. I feel like everyone is starting to wonder like why we're not taught certain things in school that are just like so fundamental for ourselves. And like a lot of that is like emotional regulation and emotional intelligence and just like understanding and getting to know yourself. And that's not really something that we ever do in school. And I also feel like when you're in those younger years, like they're such formative years, but you're also so confused in all of the feelings and emotions and sensations and things that are going on in your internal world. And so a lot of us just shove it down and don't do anything about it until we're forced to do something about it, which is typically when we're adults and have our own children that we are now trying to navigate. And I'm curious because you're a mom, right?

SPEAKER_02

I'm actually not a mom, which Oh, I thought you were. Yeah, no, it is funny that I I'm gravitating toward writing children's books as I am not a mom, but um my friends all have you know young children right now. And so just kind of interacting with that age group a little bit more um has kind of been inspiring me to want to get to know the younger kids more.

SPEAKER_00

I'm curious, like how how have you been able to teach children specifically through your children's books, these like emotional regulation and certain tools that they can use? Because I know it's really hard to explain things to a child, but right, because they don't have all of the life experience yet to fully understand certain things. And I honestly feel like anyone could benefit from learning something the way that a child does, just because it's broken down into such a fundamental level. And so I'm curious like how you really tried to break certain things down for children.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, that's such a good question because emotions are so abstract. It's like you feel something in your body and you're just like, what is happening right now? So that's actually a really great place to start is what's happening in your body right now and really tuning into that. So I would say it's kind of a layered approach in the most simplistic way possible, as you you know, as you stated. Um, but what I've noticed is the the strategies that I would use with a child are extremely similar to the strategies I would use with an adult. I would start with the body. So, okay, let's notice what's happening. You know, do you, you know, actually do an exercise with everyone that I first start working with, um, where they tune in to where are you feeling it in your body? What does it feel like? You know, um, is it in your belly? Is it in your head? Is it is it kind of like a compression on your chest or is it like an opening or an expansion? And so getting people back in their bodies, whatever age you are, is a wonderful place to ground yourself and become more present with your senses and what's going on in your environment as well. So that's kind of like the base level. And in my first book, um, it's called Rest Finds Her Spark, she has something really embarrassing that happens to her in a dance class that she's taking for the first time. And she becomes very overwhelmed and she runs out of the class and she's crying in the hallway. And her little gecko sidekick friend Gio, you know, sits down with her and just sits with her and is present and is like, hey, like I noticed that what's happening right now. You know, do you want to share how you're how you're feeling? And then so she kind of expresses how she feels in her body, she's shaky, you know, she's crying, and then you know, what might the feelings be? So the second step I would say is to try to name the feeling as accurately as you can. And this is again for both adults and kids. You know, it can be really challenging for someone of any age to accurately name a feeling or an emotion. Um, although a lot of people are familiar with the researcher Brene Brown and her famous study that kind of shows that most adults, when they did a survey of thousands of people, are only able to identify three emotions, which is anger, sadness, and happiness. And there are so many more. I mean, there's hundreds, if not thousands, of words that you can use to describe how you're feeling. So one good way or place to start is you can use like an emotions wheel where you have kind of the core emotions that people are familiar with, anger, let's say, in the center. And then that piece of pie branches out to more specific words that would fall under the umbrella of anger, so on and so forth. Um, so giving kids language and also even giving adults language to express themselves is a really important piece to eventually emotionally regulate.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, definitely. I think it's so important because you can't change what you're not aware of. And in the same way, you can't regulate something that you don't understand. And if you can't even name what it is that you're feeling specifically, how are you supposed to, you know, integrate that instead of shoving it down? And I think it's becoming a lot more common and a lot more popular for people to talk about like feeling it in your body, which I don't think was ever a thing for a really long time, or at least it wasn't super common. But we kind of just live our lives up here. And most of the experiences that we have and the emotions and the feelings that we experience that we hold on to are all stored within our body. And so through your books, you teach kids and adults in turn to like name their feelings. Is there ways in which you help them then process that emotion once they've like identified it and named it?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, that is the goal as well. Is okay, once we can identify it, how do you kind of manage it or move through it? So in the first book, um, it's kind of all about dance and movement. So that is one of the core ways that any anyone of any age can kind of deal with, so to speak, you know, emotions that are challenging is to move your body in a way that you find enjoyable. Um, or maybe there's some people out there that, you know, really like to like kill themselves exercising. It's not enjoyable, but they love it, you know. Um, so yeah, um moving the energy through your body is really, really helpful. And and on a biological level, when you're moving, it's just so basic. It's like you're bringing more oxygen into your tissues and therefore into your brain, and therefore you can think more clearly. So, you know, it's not just like woo-woo, like, oh, you know, go, go dance or go move. Like it's it's really important. Um, so yeah, in that book, it's kind of about her discovering her spark, which is like she actually does love dance, but it's just a different kind of dance, you know. So instead of a ballet class, she finds herself in more of like a hip-hop class, and she gets to um, she gets to have a relationship with her body that's kind of more positive, that she enjoys rather than you know awkward and frustrating.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Um, in the second book, which I'm not out yet, but I am about halfway through, um, it's more about friendship and resilience. So as a strategy to, you know, dealing with maybe disappointed emotions, then we learn the value of community, teamwork, um, and learning how to see things differently through trying again. So I do plan to kind of, you know, show different problem solving skills through the different stories.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. Oh, I love that. That's really awesome. And definitely something so important that children absolutely need. And I feel like that's one of the best ways to get through to children because reading is obviously so important for them for so many reasons. And I feel like there's just so much television and things we can do, but a lot of that is super overstimulating. And having it be like in book form where they can really like return back to it and reference it is just really important. Um, I know you talk a lot about like aligning your life and relationships with your soul's inner spark. I'm not sure if that comes through like in your books or if that's like in your life and your books like intertwined together. Um, but for someone who maybe feels disconnected from theirs, where do you recommend they start?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, that is a really great question because I think it can become so challenging at times when we get stressed, or there's a lot of transitions in our lives to really, you know, stay connected to what the direction is that we're truly wanting to go and who we are. So I would say yes, that is a theme throughout all of all of my work. And in my own personal life, like I strive to, you know, try to stay connected to that as well. Um yeah, I think someone, I don't, there was a game that I was playing and I don't remember the name of it, but I was with a bunch of other kind of like life coaches and we were playing this game, and it's kind it might even be called like follow the spark or something like that. But essentially it's like what feels really good in your body, and if you could kind of pursue something, whether it's for work or a hobby where you had no limits and you knew you couldn't fail, what would you be spending your time doing? And that's really a huge clue to what brings you pleasure, whether it's you know, joy or it feels good in your body because you're moving or you're helping somebody else. Um I would say trying to tune into that daily can really help you come back on the tracks if you've gotten off the tracks.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I love that. That's really good advice. And I'm curious because I feel like for me, there's like a a lot of things that I could answer that can be interesting to. And so I feel like sometimes that can be overwhelming as well. And so, how do you like I guess what would you say to someone who kind of is multi-passionate and is like feels lit up by a lot of different avenues?

SPEAKER_02

I would say you're a lucky person, although it might not feel that way because you're like pulled in all these different directions, you know. Um, I guess it also you know matters as far as what are we trying to determine? Are we trying to determine a direction for business and career? Are we trying to determine, you know, like where should I take my next vacation? Like if we're talking about business, I would say because I've taken a lot of business courses and trainings, you know, the the core message is like, what's your zone of genius? So, you know, you may love playing the piano, but you might not want to be a concert pianist, you know, maybe your zone of genius is teaching piano or co-creating music, you know, with another artist or something like that. Um so the zone of genius is just basically is there something that people tend to ask for your help with that just comes supernaturally to you that you don't even consider it to be almost like a special trait, but someone else is like, I can't believe you're so good at that. I can't believe you can do that. That's usually a good direction to follow if you're talking about business. Um yeah, so I don't know if no, yeah, that's that is very good advice.

SPEAKER_00

And I'm sure like with your own changes in your own career, you have probably like had to ask yourself the same question. And I'm curious, like with changing the different directions, how did you like learn to trust yourself in those changes from like being a biology teacher to going into life coaching to then like writing a children's book? Are you still doing the coaching?

SPEAKER_02

I do, yeah. I I take like it's not I don't see it as like this is the full-time thing that I do anymore. Um but I do I do I still have a handful of clients that are open up spaces for new people if they you know are inquiring. Um because I do very much find fulfillment in helping people navigate potentially the hardest transition in their life. Um yeah, I would say so it was different things in in the different phases. I really enjoyed being a teacher very much. Um and I also, you know, found myself the last couple of years just like pulling out the retirement sheet and like just keeping on looking at it over and over and over and just being so bummed that I hadn't even worked as many years as I still needed to work to like get over the halfway point. And I was like, oh my God, I was like, I don't think I can do this for like 17 more years. And I was starting to kind of get restless in wanting to shift and change. And I had been going through like a very hard relationship time in my life, and so that became very like highly prioritized for me. So the more I started learning about relationship dynamics and you know how to heal myself, that kind of took priority over what I was interested in and what I wanted to help people with. Um, and to your point earlier, you know, you're like, why don't we get taught this when we're young? I was like, when I was learning all that stuff, I was like, why am I only learning this now? Like I'm over 40 and I'm just learning about like this, it feels like fundamentals that we should be learning at a younger age. Um, so yeah, I would say recently, you know, within the past year, I've had a lot of changes in my life. And I've, you know, trying to follow my spark, so to speak. I just want to invite a lot more play and lightness and fun and creativity into my life. And you know, what better way to do that than be able to imagine these fun characters and stories and you know, create songs that go along with them.

SPEAKER_00

That's so fun. I've always wanted to write a children's book, actually. And I'm like, I can't, I just I feel like I want to do everything, so I have to pick and choose, but maybe one day I've always um I don't know, I just like I'm a very creative person and I love like it's just so fun to kind of dream up those kind of characters and then bring them to life, and especially for children, I just feel like that's such a a fun thing to do. But I'm wondering because you I know you had said that um when you were kind of going through the hard time in your relationship and like going through some things you had realized, like, why was I never taught this? What was one of the most like fundamental things that you learned that kind of changed your life, I guess, but you were like, Why did I, why have I never learned this?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I mean, I felt so silly, honestly, when I learned it because I was like, Yeah, I can't believe I I didn't know this, you know, at the time. And it's something that I think is really popular on social media right now. So I think a lot of people are way more familiar with it than maybe they used to be. Um, because I know I had never heard of it before, you know, the social media boom. And I would say the game changer for me, there were a lot of things, but I would say the most important were was my attachment style and how it relates to codependency. So I I start when I started to understand that relationships are all about a dynamic and that both people are contributing to an outcome. So it's so easy to think like, what's wrong with me? Like, what am I doing wrong? Why doesn't this other person want, you know, to be with me? Or, you know, why do I keep having all these messed up relationships? Like, it's so easy to kind of go into that pit. But once you can just understand, like, these are core traits that most people have, and like most people fall into a category. And if you put this category with this category, this thing happens. Like, what? I'm like, oh my god, like I just never even considered the fact that you know I was exhibiting codependent behaviors, I have a you know, tend toward an anxious attachment style. And once you can even hear the sentences that are describing you exactly, you're like, wow, it actually really helps you to accept yourself as not being a complete weirdo or psycho or something. Like, oh my god, these are just behaviors that I'm exhibiting because of a core, usually because of a core fear that I have andor a core desire. Like it's a lot of people are driven by that. And uh, so that was I would say the most you know. Illuminating things that I've learned a lot.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. I remember when I first learned about attachment styles and I definitely felt the same way. With attachment styles, it's just so validating to kind of see yourself for the first time and like realize that it's normal and that other people relate to that because you can feel really alone sometimes when you trap yourself in your own head and you're like overthinking every single thing you've ever done in your whole life. And I think once you get the language there, you can understand it more and you can also then work towards a different outcome. And I think it was really nice to know that, like, okay, this might be the attachment style I resonate with, but I'm not stuck here. Like I can communicate this to my partner, I can communicate what I need, and then we can work from there and that you can really change your attachment style. And I think with you learning about that too, and like writing children's books, you could absolutely like intertwine that into figuring out a way to make that digestible for a kid. But I feel like that like attachment styles are something that are developed when we're little with our parents and siblings and just like guardians, the people that are in charge of us. And since they form at such a young age, like you would think that we would have more of an understanding of those things, but we usually don't until we're older. And then we have to kind of rewrite rewrite those beliefs.

SPEAKER_02

Yes. And I'm glad that you brought that up because I wanted to, I wanted to make sure that we we did bring it up is so that people are aware it's relationships of all kinds. So a lot of times we give a lot of attention to our romantic relationships and we learn a lot about ourselves through romantic relationships. But like the same dynamics that are happening, you know, as an adult are happening probably with your child too. So if you have an anxiously attached child, then the things you can say to that anxiously attached child are probably very similar to the things you could say to an anxiously attached partner. Like, like they, for example, have a core fear of abandonment. And so even just, you know, if they're getting worked up, even just being present and even just like, you know, touching your hand on their shoulder and saying, I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere. I love you. When we're both calm, we can talk about this. Like their fear is abandonment. So you're validating that fear and you're saying, I'm here, I'm not going anywhere. That can apply to your kid, that can apply to your partner. It's but it's gonna have a calming effect on the nervous system either way.

SPEAKER_00

Absolutely. I think this conversation is so important, especially because like relationships are so significant in our lives. And I'm not just talking romantic relationships, but just like friends and siblings and parents, and there's so many different dynamics. And I feel like if we can begin to understand, you know, attachment styles and the things that, you know, comfort the nervous system during those specific moments, we can actually like overcome those things. And they really show up in so many areas. Like, you know, people say like how you do one thing is how you do everything. Well, like how you feel in your romantic relationship is likely how you feel, maybe in regards to a certain parent or like a friend or whatever it is, not specifically like feelings-wise, but the attachment styles, and you can see them show up in so many different areas of your life. So I'm glad this conversation came up because I feel like I changed a lot and learned a lot from my own attachment style. And so it's it was funny to hear you say, I thought at first you were gonna say nervous system regulation when you said that it was like a big buzz, like people were talking about it a lot. Um, I mean, I guess nervous system regulation does tie into everything, but um no, it was cool that to hear you say like attachment styles was such a big yeah.

SPEAKER_02

I I mean everyone learns differently, but I personally am someone who, if I can understand like something better, then I'm gonna be able to accept it better. So that's why I think it was it led to nervous system regulation, which I do think is super important. And you know, it's a practice, um, which I also did, you know, implement for many years, which was which helped a lot. Um, but yeah, anytime I can understand like why am I doing this? Why is that other person doing that? And like really getting to the root. Like I like to kind of think of myself like I do believe that one of my talents is like getting to the root of of what someone is telling me. So when they're talking to me, whether it's a friend or a client, like they're saying things to me, but I understand like what's underneath. And so I think too, if we can when we can help each other do that in relationships and like have conversations where we're seeking to understand versus, you know, be right or make our point, you're gonna get to the root of the problem or whatever it is, and it's gonna bring more clarity about how you can kind of find a solution together, you know, whether it's whatever relationship it is.

SPEAKER_00

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SPEAKER_02

The emotional intelligence blind spot, I think. Well, it's the two parts of communication. It's listening and expression. So it's funny because I actually ask people to rate themselves when so not kids, but I haven't yet, maybe I could, but when I was working with people and still do as a breakup coach, um, you know, I'd always ask them to rate themselves on a scale of one to ten, with 10 being amazing and you know, one being you pretty much talk. What, you know, what would you rate yourself as a listener? And most people rated themselves so much lower than I ever expected, you know, they're like, oh gosh, I'm only like a five or a six or something like that. And then I would also ask them, you know, what would you rate yourself as far as being able to express yourself clearly? And they would only give I like most people give themselves like a seven, you know, not they don't usually give themselves a great score. And so that just kind of shows us like we, I guess as a society, could really practice and benefit from I don't want to use the word better communication, but definitely more conscious communication, more aware communication, and understanding like how can we express ourselves in a way that is accurate to what's going on inside of us, and that also expresses what what we want. What do we want the outcome to be? And how how can we work together to maybe you know make that happen?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I think that's a really good one. And I think that too, like with relationship dynamics, we always want to be heard. Like, I think that that is a a normal thing for anyone to feel, but I think sometimes too, it's like maybe we're doing too much of the speaking and less listening, and like we can learn a lot from listening to someone else and then responding to that based on how that then made us feel, but like really taking the time to listen and understand to other people because I do think sometimes it's really easy to just want to like get your point across, but relationships are a two-part dynamic, and it's important to listen as much as you speak, I guess.

SPEAKER_02

Yes, and to your point, it's not just like sitting and listening and like waiting for the person to be done and then be like, okay, can I go? Is it my turn? Like, yes, it's important to not interrupt and to like actually listen, but the reflective listening piece, you know, is is so powerful because when you can listen and then also reflect back what was just described to you in your own words, that is a clear-cut evidence to the other person that you were actually listening and that you were present and that you get them. And that in itself can open someone up to a huge amount of receptivity that might not have been there before in order to like problem solve and come to you know a solution that both people are into.

SPEAKER_00

Yes, definitely. And too, like there's like you're saying here, there's just there's a big difference between like being quiet until it's your turn to speak, listening, or like actually listening and responding to what that person said. What is one small tangible tool that people can use this week to communicate more clearly without being super reactive?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I mean, I my go-to is always reflective listening. And the reason is because if we can be in a situation where we're seeking to understand versus to prove a point, then it can really be helpful for both parties. So, you know, a go-to tool when I, you know, everyone kind of has an idea of what reflective listening is, but then when they go to put it in practice, like we'll do like a little practice, you know. Um, I don't know what you call it when you just like practice with each other, you know. Um, they'll be like, oh, they're like, wow, this is this is actually really hard. And it's like you have to to try it out. Like, I'm always like, go out into the world and practice this with literally everybody you know, like everyone you interact with, just try to practice this. And the more you put it into practice day in, day out, all day, like it might be really hard and tiring at first because it's a new skill. It's a skill. And once you get more used to it, it will become more natural and you'll be that person that people are like, wow, I just really feel like I can talk to you. Like, I just share things with you. I don't usually share with people. And you know, it it puts you in the position to not just be the listener, but then it makes people want to hear from you. So it it so I'm not saying you should always just listen and not express. The idea is to create a space um where it's safe for both people to share and to know that they're gonna be listened to and heard and understood.

SPEAKER_00

Like, how can someone be a better listener um and reflect back to someone that they are actually listening?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, um, I like to think of I learned this from a relationship coach. Um, unfortunately, his name is escaping me at the moment, but you can kind of do it if you can think about it in like three levels. Um, threes are kind of easiest to remember. So the first level is just kind of the the easiest quote unquote most basic of just literally restating what the person said to you. So, like, you know, in high school where we have to write a summary about our book, you know, like that's what you're doing. You are saying a summary back to the person. And here's the key though, is that when you say it back, you pause and you're like, did I get it right? And you check in with them and you allow them to tell you, yes, that's exactly what I said. Or no, that's not really what I said. And if you didn't get it right, you keep on doing it until you do. Because that means there's something, there's something misfiring between the two of you. Right? What's being expressed isn't being received the way the person intended. So you keep on kind of doing that, and then you allow them to share more. You say, okay, tell me more about that, help me understand. So these are phrases, like very easy phrases that you can keep in your back pocket to always have when you're talking to someone. Wow, that's very interesting. Tell me more. I'd like to understand that better. Can you please tell me more about that? Can you help me understand? The second level is to validate what they're sharing with you. Validating does not mean that you have to agree with someone, it just means that you're acknowledging what they've shared with you. So if someone shares with you, like, you know what, I'm really pissed off that you you left, you know, the school play early the other day, like, you know, let's say it's the other parent or something. Well, first you would want to reflect back what that person said. Okay, I'm hearing that you're you're upset that I left the school play early. Is that right? And then another person's like, yeah, that's right. Why? You know, you left early. Clearly, that person is saying that thing because they have a feeling about it. Right. And so your next thing is to be a PI and be like, all right, well, can you help me understand why you, you know, you seem upset about it? You help me understand why that is. Help them try to identify an emotion. Then when they share that with you, you know, maybe they can say, Well, you know, I'm really frustrated because I'm the only one that's always going to the kids' stuff, and you just show up here and there, right? So then you could identify that emotion, be like, Wow, you know what? That does sound frustrating. You know, it sounds like you feel frustrated that you're doing all this work to show up for the kids, and I, you know, I'm not really doing my part or carrying my weight there. Does that feel true for you? Did you see how you're like checking in? And then, you know, the last phase is empathy. So we have mirror, validate, and then empathize. You know, I can understand why you feel that way. You know, I don't necessarily agree with you because I do think I show up to kid to the kids stuff too, but I can understand how you're feeling because you know, my boss, you know, just shows up to a meeting here or there and then just like expects us to do all the stuff, and then he just shows up for the presentation and you know, it doesn't really feel like we're being acknowledged. So maybe that's similar to how you feel, you know. So, you know, maybe some producing some kind of anecdote for empathy. And it doesn't have to go exactly like that, but that's just kind of an example off the concept.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I love that. That's so helpful. It is a confrontation of some sort, but it's not like a, I think when we think confrontation, we think it has to be yelly screamy, like we're gonna have this big disagreement argument. And it's like most of the time, if you handle things like in that manner and you are like really listening to someone and responding, not out of not reacting, but responding based on what they're saying, you can have a really mature conversation about something. You might not get to a perfect end place, but it's gonna be much better than like having a big emotional reactivity response to the discussion.

SPEAKER_02

For sure. And one thing I'll add to that, uh, I was actually listening to something about anxious attachment style this morning. And funny enough, it was talking about how sometimes the anxious attachment person can tend to um like dramatize things or even say things that aren't actually accurate, but in their mind and their experience, it's like such a huge deal that they're just like saying all this stuff, but then like if we were to really analyze the facts of what happened, like it might not actually be super accurate. So, you know, when we're when we're talking about two people who are trying to resolve a conflict and one person is focusing on the facts, it's just making the other person even more reactive because they're not acknowledging the emotion behind it.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, very true.

SPEAKER_02

I'm talking a lot about the anxious attachment, but you know, same holds true for avoidance. There's like a whole strategy to kind of you know deal with them in a way that works is and is supportive for them. Um, so yeah, it is really, really interesting. And then lastly, just that you know, it's a part that is important not to forget is after you get all this emotional and communicative stuff out of the way, the very last step is like, how can we problem solve this together now? Like what feels like now that we've both had an opportunity to share and be heard, you know, what what can we propose as a solution?

SPEAKER_00

Oh, I love that. Yeah, I definitely relate to all the anxious attachment talk. So I'm definitely feeling heard and seen there. Um, I definitely feel like learning about it, I've been able to kind of come to a better place with it. But I definitely there was a time in my life where I 100% agree to or and can relate to a lot of that. Um and I think that even like with avoidant and what is there secure, there's also um what's the one? Um disorganized. Like there, yeah, there's a lot of them. And I definitely recommend anyone listening if you're curious about touchment styles to look it up. And I think I'm sure there's a quiz somewhere. Oh gosh, yeah, there's gotta be tons of them. And it's definitely super helpful, especially because those kind of things are gonna show up in your life a lot. Um but I have some final questions for you. Um, do you have a favorite wellness practice?

SPEAKER_02

I would say the most, the longest standing has been yoga and dance. So kind of dance waste. Yeah. What kind of dance? Uh I've been not professional, but a salsa dancer for the past 20 years. Um, I love all kinds of dancing, honestly. Like if I can be, you know, pumping my fist and shaking my booty, then I'm a happy person, very happy person. But in the times that I can't, unfortunately, um, yoga has been very helpful for me as well, as far as uh a more grounding practice that it actually like I actually noticed a specific day in my life where I had been practicing yoga for years and years, and you know how you they have you do the deep breathing, and you know, they have you marry it with your movement. And I had only done it in yoga class, but there was like one day where all of a sudden I was having this reaction to life, and I went to my deep breathing, and I was like, oh my god, like finally, I've been practicing for years, and finally I have just gone to my deep breathing. And now now it's like very accessible to me.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. Oh, that's awesome. I do think like movement-based things are so good because they help show, like, they help us get out of our head and into our body, and also with like deep breathing, things are just so so helpful to utilize in a lot of different moments of dysregulation and stress. So it's cool once you like finally connect the two, and then you're like, oh, there it is. That's why I've been doing this. Yeah, exactly. Um, do you have a favorite book or podcast?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I the book that I just love so much is The Alchemist by Paolo Coelho. Um I I just love all of the metaphors in there, and it's such a simple little story, but it's got so much richness in it. Um you know, it's it's all about kind of magic and how we we hold so much more of the ability than we think we do um to kind of design, you know, just like your podcast is titled to design our lives the way we really want to. Um and you know, hopefully in an inspired way. But yeah, I just really like how he illustrates all of that.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, I love that. I know I think I think we really do have a lot more control than we think. And it's nice when that something like that is illustrated to us because I think it gives us our power back.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, it's a good reminder. I mean, I am a human and I struggle with things that all humans struggle with very much every day. And so when we can when we can read other people's thoughts and stories, and it just kind of reminds us that we're all here on the same boat, like trying to do the same thing.

SPEAKER_00

I love that. Um, and then is there someone who inspires you?

SPEAKER_02

Wow, that has definitely changed, you know, throughout the stages of my life, but I would say I would say anyone who has had the audacity to just truly be themselves like all the time in whatever they're doing and really, really believing in themselves. So I can't say I have like a specific person that I'm thinking of right now because the faces have changed over the years, but yeah, I really admire people who truly fully believe in themselves and and are themselves like all the time.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I love that. All right, where can everyone find you? Um, maybe check out your children's book, um, follow along your journey. I know you have a YouTube, I believe, right?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I have a couple YouTube channels. One I'm not really posting on anymore, but that was the Emmy Fortin breakup and relationship one. But there's a lot. I used to have a podcast, there's a lot of kind of content on there. And then I do have a kids' YouTube channel called The Radiant Adventuress. Um, and it stars the main characters of like children's books, Ress and Geo. Um, so it's songs and animated videos uh that kids can watch and dance to. I kind of like to think of it as like little Pixar mini story songs. So you can find me on YouTube, and then um yeah, I have um the first book out on Amazon. It's called Rest Finds Her Spark, and you can go to radiant advent books dot radiantadventurous.com slash spark.

SPEAKER_00

When is the second book coming out?

SPEAKER_02

I hope for mid-June. That's that's kind of my target, but we'll see what happens.

SPEAKER_01

All right, sounds good.

SPEAKER_02

Well, thank you so much. Yeah, thank you so much. This is a fun conversation.